


All The Love In My Heart

by justyrae



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Drunken Confessions, Enemies to Lovers, Hate Sex, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 20:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7728643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick keeps his own fair share of secrets - who doesn't, really - but they're mostly little silly things like surprises for Louis or things that have absolutely no influence on their life together. He doesn't keep enormous, life-changing secrets from anyone, but especially not Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Love In My Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunsetmog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/gifts).



> a million heart emojis to sunsetmog, who holds a special place in her heart for boys who are broken and need help but don't know how to ask for it, without whom this fic probably would've rotted for another year in my google drive.  
> another million heart emojis to my beta J, who's always there for me when I need her the most.
> 
> fair warning - this fic's working title was "sadfic" and for good reason. the secret louis keeps, which is revealed towards the end of the fic, may be triggering for some but for spoiler reasons i have not tagged it apart from 'minor character death'. i've included an explanation in the end notes, please scroll down prior to reading if you worry that the reveal may be triggering for you.
> 
> title from 'Ten' by Yellowcard

**May 18th, 2018 - 5:47pm**

"Hiya," Nick calls as he enters his flat, the same flat that he's shared with Louis for almost a year, and closes the door behind him. He waits a few seconds for a reply - normally Louis is home before him and calls back with whatever room he's in - but nothing comes.

He's a bit confused, sure, but not worried. Nick pulls out his phone to check for a text from Louis, perhaps one he missed in the time it took him to get home that was letting him know that Louis wasn't going to be there. There's no new message, no missed call, nothing.

"Louis?" Nick sighs softly as he puts his phone back in his pocket and heads for the kitchen, knowing sometimes Louis leaves notes for him on the fridge. Most of the time they're post-its reminding Nick to do something, usually with a term of endearment that from anyone else would be an insult, but there's nothing.

The only thing pinned to the fridge is a photo of the two of them, taken right around the time they started dating nearly five years ago. It brings a smile to Nick's face every time, even though the start of their relationship was rocky at best and they'd nearly ruined everything before it had a chance to be anything.

He gently pulls the photo out from under the magnet and stares at it for a moment, cringing at his haircut while marveling at the look in his eyes and how _obvious_ it must've been how he was falling for Louis already. He hadn't meant to fall for anyone, least of all someone three years his junior. It was embarrassing enough being the eldest first year in uni, he didn't want to make it any worse.

But Louis… he was different. Nick managed to impress most of their fellow first years with his hundreds of stories from spending several years traveling to third world countries. When some called him a hero, Louis scoffed. He wasn't impressed.

Nick laughs softly as he repositions the magnet over the photo on the fridge and then takes a step back to admire it. He's distracted for a moment by the idea to root around their flat for some more pictures to hang up on the fridge, but he pushes the thought out of his head when he remembers he has no clue where Louis is.

It's just… _weird_. It's not like either of them demand to know the whereabouts of the other at all times or anything, but still. It's unusual for Louis not to tell Nick anything at all.

After an hour of thinking maybe Louis just got caught up somewhere and he'll be home soon, Nick decides to give him a call. He's not really surprised that the call goes straight to voicemail, but it doesn't ease his worry at all.

"Hey love, just, umm… wondering where you are." Nick sighs. "I'm at home, so give me a ring, alright?" He waits a beat before adding, "love you," and hanging up.

More hours pass with no word from Louis, and Nick makes dinner for himself and watches ridiculous reality show reruns to pass the time. Making fun of the absurd things the Kardashians say and do help him forget that he's still worried about Louis.

It's nearly eleven when Nick decides to go to bed, tired of telling himself Louis will be home any minute. He wants to believe it's true, but he can't when in reality he has no idea.

He curls up under the covers in the bed they share and presses his face against Louis' pillow, taking deep breaths to keep himself calm.

Nick feels a little hysterical when he switches off the lights, wiping the tears away from his eyes as he tugs Louis' pillow a little closer. He tries to remember if they'd fought about anything lately, anything that would make Louis run away and not come back.

He can't think of anything, and that only makes it worse.

 

**September 3rd, 2011 - 9:04pm**

"I'm not saying everyone should rush out and join the VSO," Nick says, preening a little as he glances around at his fellow first-years and enjoys the way they're staring at him with rapt attention, "but it was highly rewarding to be a part of and I definitely recommend it."

Chatter erupts all around him and several questions get thrown out at the same time, but Nick's attention is caught by a loud scoff that comes from the far corner of the room. He glances over the tops of the heads of his group and squints at the dark figure who seems to be skulking around with his nose stuck in his drink rather than engaging with anyone else at the party.

Intrigued, Nick excuses himself from the circle - with a promise to be back and answer more questions - but instead of going straight over and confronting this person he heads for the kitchen to refill his drink. Nick only hopes that the challenging look he sent in that person's direction is enough to pique their interest enough to follow.

"Can I help you with something?" Nick drawls. His back is turned to the doorway but he was listening close enough to hear the sound of footsteps entering the kitchen. He smiles to himself, because if it had been literally anyone else they would've answered before Nick turned around, so he knows that it must be whoever was staring at him before.

Still, Nick's breath catches in his throat just the tiniest bit when he does turn around and sees a boy much shorter than him with sharp eyes and even sharper cheekbones, made ever more noticeable by the look of distaste on his face.

"Yeah, I was wondering something, actually." The boy walks forward, brushing past Nick to make himself another drink before he speaks again. "What's an old man like you doing here? You do know this is a party for uni students, yeah?"

"M'not that old," Nick replies with a frown. "I'm 23."

The boy hums as he stirs his drink with his pointer finger and then sucks the liquor off of it - which does absolutely _nothing_ to Nick, thank you very much, it just happens to be warm in the kitchen and Nick sweats easily.

"I thought I'd be the oldest one here, what with taking a gap year and all, but compared to me, you're ancient." He grins and Nick frowns even harder.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but--"

"I'm Louis."

"Alright, _Louis,_  but you can't just-- Hey!"

Louis turns on his heel, already having made it to the doorway while Nick was talking. He gives Nick an expectant look but Nick just stares at him with utter disbelief - who _is_ this kid?

"Sorry, were you saying something important? Couldn't tell, what with all the shit that's been spewing from your mouth all evening."

Nick is actually at a loss for words, he has no idea what he did to piss Louis off other than just existing but it's clear that Louis has some sort of stick up his arse that he has no plans to remove. The moment for Nick to reply with a witty comeback of his own comes and goes too quick and Louis smirks at him because he believes he's won this round.

Judging by the pathetic breath that leaves Nick's lungs the moment Louis disappears from the kitchen, Louis was probably right to think that.

Nick returns to the party a few minutes later and tries not to look around for Louis but catches his eye anyway and glares at him from across the room. Louis looks too pleased with himself to offer anything in return but a smile which makes Nick even more grumpy. He regales his group with another story from his charity work but even that's lost its sparkle after his run-in and he finds himself wanting to go back to his flat far earlier than he'd anticipated.

He lies awake in his bed that night, cursing the boy called Louis.

 

**May 19th, 2018 - 2:13am**

Louis tries to make as little noise as possible when he unlocks the front door, slipping in without pushing it open far enough to make it creak. He carefully sets his keys down on the table and hangs up his coat before he makes his way towards his and Nick's bedroom, hoping that he'll find Nick there.

He listened to Nick's voicemail over and over on his way home, his heart breaking a little more every time he listened to the dejected sound of Nick's voice. This is what he'd been afraid of when Nick asked him to move in together but the last thing he'd wanted to do was lose Nick entirely.

Louis sighs in relief when he sees Nick's familiar lump curled up in bed, and he undresses as quickly and quietly as he can. He climbs into bed, intending on snuggling up to Nick's back but he jumps when Nick suddenly turns over and wraps his arms around him tightly.

"Hey," Louis whispers with a surprised laugh, "thought you were asleep."

"I was," Nick answers in a croaky voice, "where've you been?"

"Nowhere," Louis replies as he tucks his head in the crook of Nick's neck. He presses a kiss to the underside of Nick's jaw and sighs, "missed you, though."

"Thought you weren't coming home," Nick admits, and Louis' chest tightens at the very idea.

"Sorry," Louis says as he hugs Nick tighter, "didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," Nick says, clearing his throat to hide his sniffling. "I was just… y'know. Worried."

"M'sorry," Louis repeats, tilting his head away from Nick's neck as he shifts so their faces are level. "Didn't mean to worry you, either."

"Were you… is this--" Nick swallows harshly, hating that he even has to _ask_ , "if you don't want--"

Louis hates that he's done this, that he's made Nick feel so insecure and scared that he's moved too fast. If it were anyone else in the world they probably would've told Nick he was moving far too _slow_ , what with waiting to even discuss the possibility of living together until they were three years into their relationship. It's not Nick's fault, not in the least, but Louis can't explain why.

"Hey," Louis interrupts before he presses his lips against Nick's firmly, "don't even think that. I love you."

"I love you too," Nick replies, shutting his eyes and groaning when his voice catches. "M'not crying, _m'not_."

"Nick," Louis says sadly, reaching up to gently thumb away Nick's tears, "I just… had to get away, alright? It's not you, I swear." He kisses Nick again, holding his face firmly as he does so. "I love you."

Nick opens his eyes again and in the pale light of the moon that sneaks in from the window Louis knows that he's seen how red his eyes are, he knows Louis has been crying. He wants to turn away and hide his face, but Nick lets go of his waist in order to cup his hand around Louis' jaw before Louis can make a move.

"Are you alright?" he asks softly. "What's wrong?"

"M'fine," Louis answers, shifting back down to bury his head against Nick's shoulder. "Sleepy."

"Me too," Nick says as they both settle into the bed. He puts his arm back around Louis and holds him close. Louis hums in content and smiles against the skin of Nick's neck, relishing in the comfort of his arms.

Everything's okay for now, and that's all Louis can ask for.

 

**February 1st, 2012 - 3:36pm**

"He's honestly the worst, Haz, I don't understand why everyone loves him so much." Louis huffs loudly and fusses with his fringe. "And don't say I should try and get to know him better, I already know more than anyone should because he's an insufferable loudmouth who loves nothing more than the sound of his own voice."

"Sounds familiar," Harry drawls with a low chuckle.

"Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean I won't hang up on you for being a twat, y'know."

"Lou," Harry sighs, "you've been going on and on about Nick for ages."

"I have not," Louis mumbles in a quiet, petulant voice as he strains to recall their conversation over the last twenty minutes. Surely he hasn't been complaining about him for that long, has he?

"Y'know you're my best mate and I love you but if you only called me on my birthday to complain about some bloke you've got a crush on--"

"I do not!"

"Then I'll hang up on you myself and you can tell me all about it tomorrow when it's _not_ my birthday."

Louis huffs again as he slumps down in his chair and crosses his arms, frowning deeply as Harry laughs at him over the phone. Louis glares at a student who's been sending him less than thrilled looks ever since Louis walked into the library while on the phone with Harry. Technically the rules state that cell phone use is prohibited, but nobody _actually_ follows that and besides the chairs on the third floor are far too comfortable to be used for actual revising. Louis has fallen asleep in them many a time when he's meant to be doing work so now he only sits in them when he's on the phone so he knows he'll stay awake.

"Quit pouting."

"M'not pouting," Louis grumbles. "You don't know everything."

"I know you, and you're definitely pouting."

"See if I get you anything for your birthday next year, you ungrateful dick."

"That's not a very nice thing to say to me on my birthday."

"I'm sorry, Haz, it's just…" Louis sighs. "He just gets under my skin, y'know? I've tried being nice but then he goes and says something dickish and I just can't help myself."

"I'm sure he's not all bad, Lou. You've got to give him a chance."

"I _tried_ that already, didn't you hear me?"

"Did you, though?" Harry hums. "Don't forget that I've known you a long time and I know how stubborn you can be when it comes to new people."

"You keep saying that but I think you're just full of shit." Louis smiles as Harry laughs on the other end of the line, but it disappears quickly when he sees Nick get off the elevator a couple feet away. Louis glares at him even harder than he glared at the random student but Nick doesn't even notice Louis' presence as he goes to sit at a table even further away from him.

"Anyway, Lou, I was thinking about coming to visit in a couple weeks, what d'you say?"

"Hmm?" Louis blinks and looks away from Nick, dragging his feet along the library carpet to swivel his chair around so he doesn't have to stare at the back of Nick's head as he continues talking to Harry. "Oh, yeah, sounds good. Come in on Friday, leave on Monday?"

"Yeah, we've got a random holiday weekend next month, it's not like--"

Harry continues talking but Louis' mind wanders and he ends up tuning out everything that Harry says as he ends up turning his chair right back around to its original position. Nick's got his back to him and he's already hunched over some textbook and is scribbling away while he bobs his head to whatever awful music he's got playing through his massive headphones.

Louis scowls as he remembers the last party they both attended and how Nick had been asked to DJ for a while. For every one decent song he played there were ten terrible ones, in Louis' opinion, and that was yet another strike against Nick in his mind: horrible taste in music. The list had grown rather long as of late and Louis was starting to forget everything he hated about Nick, he was probably going to have to start actually writing it all down.

"Louis, are you listening?"

"What? Yeah, sorry, Haz. Got distracted."

"I was just saying, I'll book the ticket and then email you the dates, how's that?"

"Sounds good. Shouldn't you be off having a birthday party or something? Or are you that hopeless without me around?"

"Shut up," Harry replies fondly. "I have other friends, y'know."

"Your cat doesn't count." Louis chuckles. "Have a shot for me, will you?"

"Of course. Miss you, Lou."

"Miss you too. Happy birthday."

Louis swivels his chair around in a circle again as he stares down at his phone, scrolling through his text messages if only to keep himself from looking at Nick whenever he comes into view. He stops when he comes across one from his mum, sent just over a week ago, and his heart sinks just as much as it did when he first read it.

**_thinking of you xx_ **

She'd called him too, that day, just to make sure he was doing alright. He kept telling her over and over that he was fine and yes, he knew what day it was and no, he didn't need her to come down and see him. She didn't explicitly say that she was worried about him but she didn't have to, he could hear it in her voice. He hates that he's done this to his mum even though there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. What's done is done, so they say, and somehow life goes on.

Louis tucks his phone away and looks up, realizing that he's somehow managed to turn himself around so that Nick's directly in front of him. He's still bobbing his head as he takes notes and suddenly Louis is filled with the incessant need to fuck with him, as silly and childish as that need may be.

He stands up and starts walking towards Nick, his grin growing ever wider the closer he approaches, and just before he's about to pass him by Louis reaches out and slaps the band of Nick's headphones so they fall forward and slip off of his ears entirely. Nick jumps, startled so much that he ends up drawing a rather thick line through his page of notes and Louis can't help feeling extra smug and call it a victory.

"What the fuck?" Nick demands in a harsh whisper.

"There was a bug on your head," Louis replies coolly. "I did you a favor, say thank you."

Nick glares at Louis instead of thanking him but Louis didn't expect Nick to go along with it anyway. He smiles widely at Nick before he turns around and heads for the elevator, extremely satisfied with himself while Nick grumbles curses at him.

 

**May 17th, 2019 - 11:22am**

"Lou, we're going to be late to meet Harry if you don't get your arse in gear soon."

"I'm well aware of the time, Nicholas," Louis snaps as he struggles to get his shoe onto his foot. "We'll be fine."

Nick hums softly as he leans against the doorjamb. "You alright, love?"

"M'fine," Louis mutters, more to his shoes than Nick as he keeps his head down to avoid looking Nick in the eye.

"You sure? We can reschedule with Harry if you want, I'm sure he--"

"I said I'm fine," Louis says loudly as he stands up and gestures to his feet. "Look, see? I'm all ready to go."

"Okay," Nick says in a calm tone. He gently catches Louis' elbow as he tries to pass through the doorway, preventing him from walking by without a kiss. Louis relents and presses a quick kiss to Nick's lips, but his demeanor doesn't improve by much.

Nick sighs softly as he grabs a light jacket and follows Louis out of their flat, wondering to himself just what's gotten into Louis to make him so grumpy. He's been acting strange for a few days now, seeming irritable in a way that a long nap or a good shag can't even fix. But even though he's noticed it Nick can't bring himself to actually ask Louis about it for fear that it'll just make things worse.

Perhaps a bit naively, Nick thinks that maybe Louis is a bit grumpy because Harry's been out of the country for a fair amount of time and he misses his best friend. His instinct is to try and do something nice for Louis in the hopes it'll cheer him up. Nick really should've known better.

"You should come 'round for tea tomorrow," Nick says as he gets up to pull on his coat. "Me and Lou will do something special."

"I'd like that," Harry replies as he gets to his feet as well to pull Nick into a hug.

"I can't," Louis says quickly, avoiding the others' gaze when they turn to him with identical confused looks. "Tomorrow, I just… can't."

"What d'you mean, 'you can't'?" Nick laughs, "we haven't got anything planned."

"I just can't, alright?" Louis snaps before he storms off towards the loo without another word. Nick stares after him for a moment before he turns to look at Harry and apologize, but he's thrown off even more by the look on Harry's face. It's not as perplexed as he would've expected and there's something written across his face that Nick can't identify, but it disappears within seconds and Harry gives Nick a sympathetic smile.

"He's been dodgy all week." Nick says as he shakes his head. "Thought maybe he was missing you, to be honest."

"M'sure he'll be alright in a day or two," Harry replies, avoiding Nick's eyes as he glances over his shoulder in the direction Louis had gone. "We could still hang out, you and me."

"'Course we can," Nick says with a warm smile. "Come 'round whenever you like."

Nick forgets about Louis' little outburst for the time being, chalking it up to one of Louis' hundred quirks that he still has yet to learn. He doesn't bring up the subject of Harry coming over the following day until later that night when he and Louis are lying in bed reading.

"Harry said he'd come around two tomorrow," he says casually, "if you're--"

"Why'd you do that?" Louis interrupts and Nick stares at him for a moment before he gathers himself enough to respond.

"Do what?"

"Invite Harry over like that. You didn't even ask me." Nick blinks.

"I didn't think you'd object? Harry's your best mate and you haven't seen him in ages. Honestly, I thought you'd be happy to have him around again." Nick puts his book down and turns to Louis, who continues staring at his own book so hard that it's entirely possible he's trying to burn a hole in the pages. "Is there something I should know?"

"No," Louis mutters as he turns away from Nick, slamming his book shut and placing it on his bedside table as he rolls onto his side. "Doesn't matter."

"It does," Nick tries to pull Louis back, but he won't budge, "c'mon, love, what's wrong?"

" _Nothing_ ," Louis repeats, spitting the word out in exasperation, "just leave it."

"Alright," Nick relents and settles back into bed, hating that just a few inches of space between them can feel like whole countries when they're fighting.

He tries not to let it bother him, he tries to just go back to reading his book and ignore the fact that Louis is angry and tense and resolutely _not_ telling him what's wrong.

Nick lasts about five minutes before he puts his book down and curls up against Louis' back, thankful that Louis doesn't immediately push him away.

"I'm worried about you," he murmurs.

"You don't have to be," Louis answers, but with the way his voice wavers Nick knows he's about to cry.

"But I am," Nick replies, "I worry about everyone I love, especially you."

"You shouldn't." Louis sniffles and Nick holds him closer. "I'm fine."

"You are not," Nick says with a light scoff. "You're quite the opposite."

"I don't want to talk about it. Why can't you ever let anything go?"

"I would if it were nothing," Nick sighs, "but it's clearly something. I wish you'd talk to me so we could--"

"I just said I don't want to talk about it," Louis snaps, "why do you keep pushing me?"

"I'm not--"

"You are!" Louis yells as he pulls himself away from Nick and stands up from the bed. "You push and push until you get your way, you always have!"

"And you don't?" Nick laughs. "I've never met anyone as stubborn as you are, Lou!"

"If I'm such a pain in the arse, why are you still with me?"

Nick stares at Louis for a moment before asking softly, "is that what this is about? You don't want--"

"No, this--" Louis groans loudly, "this isn't about me and you. This is about _me_ and--" he cuts himself off and falls to the ground to bury his head in his knees, whispering "I can't."

"You can't what?" Nick asks as he climbs off the bed and sits in front of Louis, desperately wanting to pull him into his arms. But Nick knows better than anyone that when Louis is this upset he doesn't want to be touched. He has to wait for Louis to make the first move.

"I can't," Louis repeats through a sob, "I can't tell you."

"Yes, you can," Nick pleads, "you can tell me anything, you know that."

"No," Louis breathes out, "m'not ready, I can't. I-I need to go."

"Go?" Nick stares as Louis suddenly gets up and starts grabbing things as he heads for the door: his phone, a sweater, his shoes. "What d'you mean, _go_?" Nick stumbles as he gets to his feet and runs after him. "Louis, wait!"

He expects Louis to turn around and fight back, Louis has never been one to run away from a fight. Nick has seen him make people cry before because he somehow always knows exactly what to say to tear them down into pieces until nothing's left.

He doesn't expect Louis to be out the door before he can even cross the room. The sound the door makes when it slams echoes throughout their flat and when it reaches Nick, it breaks his heart.

 

**December 17th, 2013 - 10:49pm**

It's the annual end of term party and Louis is absolutely smashed. He didn't mean to drink as much as he has over the last few hours, but it's possible he got swept up in the nostalgia of it all with his fellow third-years. It's the last time they'll be partying like this before winter break and everyone's feeling a bit more sappy than usual, Louis included.

The only thing that would make this night perfect, in Louis' opinion, is if Nick hadn't shown up.

Louis has been glaring daggers at Nick's back all night and then purposefully staring him down every time Nick looks in his direction. He's not one to back down from a fight, even a totally useless one that's been going on for the better part of two years.

Nick, well, he looks a bit exhausted. Whether from the end of term or something else, Louis doesn't know, but it certainly doesn't mean that he's going to take it easy on Nick tonight. He has a reputation to uphold, after all.

"Grimy," he says as a greeting when Nick enters the kitchen. Louis has been sitting on the counter for an hour or so, partially to stick close to the alcohol but mostly because he's probably too drunk to actually use his legs properly.

"That's not my name," Nick replies with a tired sigh.

"It's not? Your name isn't Nicholas Grimeshaw?" Louis hums. "Had me fooled, what with that greasy mop on the top of your head."

Nick's hand immediately goes to fix his hair and he glares while Louis smiles cheekily back at him, feeling quite smug to have gotten under Nick's skin so quickly. Usually it takes another fifteen minutes or so before Louis is able to crack him.

"M'not in the mood, Louis." Nick sighs again. "Can't you leave it for one night? In the spirit of Christmas or something?"

Louis laughs. "Who are you and what've you done with Nick? You've gone soft in your old age."

Nick huffs. "Nevermind, it's not worth it," he mumbles as he puts his cup down and begins to walk out of the kitchen without any drink at all.

"Hey, wait!" Louis half-shouts as he slides off the counter and stumbles into Nick, dropping his cup as he almost knocks Nick down entirely. They crash into the opposite counter and Nick hisses as the small of his back connects with the tile but his hands immediately go to Louis' waist to help keep him upright.

Louis's breath gets knocked out of him as he collides with Nick and he grabs at Nick's shoulders to steady himself. As he regains his center of balance, his hips press against Nick's just right and Nick's hands suddenly tighten their grip on Louis' hips and it sends a shiver through Louis' body. He looks up at Nick's face and for the first time he lets himself think about what it'd be like to kiss Nick: if he'd be soft and gentle or if it'd be all tongue and teeth, biting and fighting for an upper hand.

Nick starts to say something but the words are lost on Louis as he slides his hand up the back of Nick's neck and pulls him down into a kiss. It lasts for about three seconds before Nick's pulling away and Louis groans angrily.

"Come back here," he grunts.

"What the fuck?" Nick says at the same time, staring down at Louis with utter confusion. "Are you serious?"

"I said, come back." Louis tugs him in for another kiss and this time Nick doesn't pull away. Louis curls his hand into Nick's hair and pulls, meanwhile Nick moves his hands from Louis' hips down to his arse and squeezes rough enough to make Louis jerk his hips forward into Nick's.

Louis starts up a steady grind against Nick's hips as they continue snogging, smirking against Nick's mouth as he feels the outline of Nick's cock as it starts to harden against him. He shifts the tiniest bit to rub his own cock against Nick's, smiling wider when Nick moans and shivers against him.

"Not bad," he mumbles as he presses his thumb against Nick's bottom lip. His mouth is red and shiny from kissing and it makes Louis wonder what it'd look like wrapped around his cock.

"That something you want?" Nick murmurs with a laugh and it takes Louis a second to realize he'd said that last bit out loud.

"Maybe," he replies. "You any good?"

"Only one way to find out," Nick says as he ducks down to attach his mouth to the side of Louis' neck. Louis can't hold back the moan that escapes as Nick starts sucking on his skin, the sensation going right to his dick and making it twitch.

"Don't be a fucking tease," Louis snaps as he moans again. "Take me home."

He pulls himself out of Nick's arms and only stumbles a little bit as he makes his way out of the kitchen and towards the front door. Nick catches him before he makes it outside and carefully helps him down the stairs with an arm around his waist.

"Shit, you're completely pissed, aren't you?"

"Not completely," Louis replies.

"Louis, maybe we shouldn't--"

"What? Afraid you can't suck my dick as well as you think?" he says, much too loudly for a public street in the middle of the night.

"Christ, Lou," Nick mumbles as he quickly covers his mouth. "You're such a shit."

Louis pushes his hand away and not-so-gracefully stumbles back into Nick's arms. "Better shut me up, then," he says before he starts kissing Nick again.

It's nothing but a testament to how much alcohol Louis drank when it seems like it takes both no time at all and impossibly long to get to Nick's flat. Louis switches back and forth to being all over Nick in the back of the taxi to staring out the window and huffing about how long it's taking for them to get there. It gets to the point where Nick locks his arms around Louis' waist and won't let him pull away, barely one step away from shoving his hand down the front of Louis' jeans and jerking him off just to shut him up.

"Finally," Louis breathes out as Nick all but pushes him backwards onto his bed. He grins as Nick climbs on top of him and kisses him, immediately going for Nick's belt and zipper before Nick can even get a hand on him.

"Jesus--" Nick cries out as Louis wraps his hand around his dick.

"Not bad, Grimshaw." Louis squeezes his cock once before he lets it go and starts undoing his own jeans, pulling them down as Nick just watches.

"Who're _you_ and what've you done with Louis?" he asks once Louis is properly naked and pulling him back down on top of him.

"This Louis wants his dick sucked," Louis mumbles against Nick's mouth as he reaches down and starts playing with Nick's cock again. He rubs it against himself and Nick grunts and jerks against him, breathing out hotly against Louis' neck as he drops his head onto Louis' shoulder. "Maybe I'll even let you fuck me."

"Christ, Louis," Nick pants. "You're going to be the death of me."

"Promises, promises," Louis mumbles. "C'mon, now, put that mouth to work."

"You want me to suck your dick and then fuck you?" Nick asks, raising an eyebrow at Louis. "Think you can handle that?"

"Please," Louis rolls his eyes, "m'not old like you, I can go more than once in a night."

"M'not--" Nick groans and then mumbles, "you're such a shit," as he rolls away from Louis and rummages around in the drawer of his bedside table. He manages to take off his shirt and pull his trousers off the rest of the way before he rolls back to Louis, who's been huffing impatiently the whole time.

"Not getting any younger."

"Shut up."

"Make me," Louis challenges, his words breaking off into a loud moan when Nick suddenly takes the head of his cock into his mouth while sliding a finger into Louis' arse at the same time. "Jesus, Nick."

Nick doesn't bother pulling off of Louis' dick to say anything in response, he simply hums and takes more of Louis into his mouth while pushing his finger deeper inside. Louis moans and clenches around Nick's finger as he buries both of his hands in Nick's hair, pulling hard whenever Nick does something with his tongue - Louis has no idea how he's doing it but it feels fucking fantastic.

Louis is practically writhing beneath him by the time Nick adds a second finger, one step away from begging for more. He's nowhere near quiet but Nick still feels smug over the fact that he's managed to get Louis to stop insulting him for once and instead he's going on and on about how good Nick's mouth feels.

"God, fuck, _fuck_ ," he whines, "Nick, gimme more, I need it."

Nick complies and pushes in a third finger, moaning around Louis' cock when he hears Louis practically scream above him. His hips are moving so much that it's getting progressively more difficult for Nick to concentrate on what he's doing. He pulls back so that his mouth is only wrapped around the head of Louis' cock but shoves his fingers as far into Louis as they'll go, searching for his prostate to make Louis scream again.

"Yes," Louis shouts, "oh, fuck, yes! M'gonna come, fuck, _Nick_!"

Louis slams his fists against the bed and shakes as he comes, flooding Nick's mouth as he rides his fingers through it. He's panting hard and still writhing when Nick pulls off completely, letting out softer moans when Nick's fingers hit him just right.

"Nick," he whines.

"Had enough, pet?" Nick says in a raspy voice, clearing his throat as he climbs on top of Louis with his fingers still buried deep in his arse.

"You wish," Louis mumbles. "Tired, old man?"

"Try not to fall asleep on my cock," Nick retorts. He pulls his fingers out of Louis without warning, relishing in the anguished cry that follows as he starts rolling a condom onto his dick. He positions himself and looks down at Louis as he wraps his arms around Nick's neck.

"Fuck me already," he grumbles.

"So impatient," Nick mumbles as he pushes in, waiting until his hips press against Louis' before he leans down and starts kissing him again, if only to keep his mouth occupied.

It doesn't stop Louis from making noise, he moans and whines through the kiss as Nick fucks him. The moment Nick breaks the kiss to gasp for air, Louis starts talking and doesn't shut up.

He's always been mouthy, especially in bed, but this time around it's different. He keeps talking so he doesn't get lost in his own head. Because he's still fairly drunk he's having a hard time keeping his mind from wandering, from betraying himself into thinking that this has been a long time coming. He hadn't planned on fucking Nick, he'd never even thought about it before tonight - no matter what Harry says otherwise.

Louis certainly doesn't want to keep kissing Nick, it's just the heat of the moment and the fact that Nick has a really good mouth for kissing. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a fuck between two people who may or may not be enemies. Louis certainly wouldn't call them friends, in any case, certainly not now.

And Louis is certainly going to get Nick back for all the marks he's been sucking into Louis' skin, but not just yet. They feel too good for Louis to tell him to stop, especially when all Louis wants to do is come again.

"C'mon, Nick," he whines, "harder, I wanna come."

"Oh, do you?" Nick says snidely even as he pants harshly. "I wasn't aware."

"God, shut up," Louis moans, "fuck me, c'mon!"

Nick snaps his hips so hard that Louis actually has to press his hands against the wall behind them to make sure he doesn't accidentally hit his head. He moans appreciatively when Nick does it again, and then he starts begging for more.

"Yes, yes, that's it, god, Nick, fuck me!"

"Yeah?" Nick grunts. "Gonna come? Wanna feel you come on my cock, just like you did on my fingers."

"Yeah," Louis moans brokenly, "yeah, god, gonna come. Gonna--"

Louis shouts as he comes untouched, shooting off between them as Nick continues pounding into him. It doesn't take long before Nick's coming too, stilling his hips against Louis' arse and moaning as he sinks his teeth into Louis' shoulder. Louis shivers as he feels Nick's cock twitching inside of him, and again when Nick kisses the skin of his neck.

"Not bad," Louis mumbles after Nick's pulled out and disposed of the condom.

"Not bad?" Nick repeats with an incredulous laugh. "Thought it was a bit better than not bad, the way you were screaming."

"You'll have to do better next time," Louis mumbles sleepily as he presses his face into Nick's pillow, not caring that his stomach is still covered in his own come. He vaguely hears Nick say "next time?" before he falls asleep, still a little drunk but extremely satisfied.

 

**May 18th, 2019 - 10:04am**

Louis wakes up with a crick in his neck and a foul taste in his mouth, both only made worse when he remembers the argument he had with Nick the night before and the fact that he's currently curled up in the backseat of his car. He rolls over and buries his face against the cushions and groans, feeling hungover even though he didn't have a drop of alcohol.

It's impossible for him to go back to sleep, the only reason he was able to fall asleep the night before was because he was absolutely exhausted after driving three hours from London up to Doncaster. Louis sits up and rubs at his eyes, squinting at his surroundings in the mid-morning light. He'd momentarily forgotten where he'd stopped but there's no mistaking it once he can see clearly.

He's at the cemetery.

Louis sighs deeply as he opens the door and climbs out of his car, wincing a little as he gets to his feet and stretches before pushing the door closed behind him. He takes his phone out of his pocket and sighs again when he sees the several missed calls from Nick, but he bypasses every voicemail in favor of calling someone else.

"Mum?" he says, barely above a whisper. "I'm here… could you?"

He murmurs a soft thanks and hangs up, taking one last deep breath before he shuts off his phone and starts walking, knowing the path by heart.

Louis sits by himself for maybe half an hour before his mum arrives, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she comes to sit beside him. Not two seconds after she's gotten settled does he wrap his arms around her and bury his head in the crook of her neck as he shakes with silent cries.

"Oh, Lou," she murmurs softly as she holds him tight. "I know, baby, I know."

They sit there for a long time, holding onto each other as Louis cries and she comforts him. He cries until it feels like there's nothing left, just an empty hole inside of him that he's created all by himself. He feels wretched and exhausted and clings ever tighter to his mum, wishing she could just make it all go away and be better.

It's been ten years since the day that changed Louis' life; ten years since he lost everything he cared about, and for much of those ten years he's been thinking he'll never care about anything or anyone that much ever again. Never in a million years did he expect someone like Nick to come into his life and make him able to love again, even though he's done practically everything in his power not to fall in love.

He wonders if he's ever going to stop being afraid of losing Nick, especially when he can't seem to stop doing such a damn good job of pushing Nick away all by himself. Somewhere in his twisted mind it seems like it would hurt far less if Nick left of his own accord rather than being ripped away, but the thought of losing Nick at all still breaks Louis' heart.

"I brought some flowers," his mum says in a quiet, gentle tone once Louis has finally stopped crying. "D'you wanna put them out?"

"Yeah," Louis says with a slight nod of his head, waiting until his mum moves before he sits up straight. He takes the flowers from her with shaky hands and lets out a long breath before he reaches out to place them on the two graves in front of them.

"Wasn't sure you'd come this year," she says when Louis curls into her side again. "Thought maybe you'd stay home."

"Couldn't," Louis answers simply.

"How come?" Louis shrugs in response and his mum tuts at him. "C'mon, love."

"Nick and I had a fight," Louis mumbles.

"You still haven't told him, have you?" Louis shakes his head. "Oh, Lou."

"I know," Louis says, his voice wavering as tears spring to his eyes again. "I know I should, I just… I can't."

"I know, baby." She kisses his head. "I know it's hard, but you can't just keep running away."

"What if he doesn't understand?"

"You have to at least give him the chance."

"But, he's never… he's always said…" Louis trails off and shakes his head. "I dunno how, Mum."

"You love him, right?"

Louis shuts his eyes and nods fervently as he whispers, "so much."

"And he loves you too, I know he does."

"Yeah, but--"

"But nothing," his mum interrupts. "You're my son and I love you very much, but you're nothing if not stubborn as all get out. You can't keep assuming Nick won't understand, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt."

"This is big, though, Mum." Louis opens his eyes and stares at the graves in front of them, blinking back tears as he takes a shaky breath. "What if _he_ runs away?"

She sighs. "I don't know, baby. I don't think he will. He never struck me as the type to run away from his problems, unlike someone I know."

"I get it, Mum." Louis cracks a small smile and she hugs him tightly.

"I love you, Lou."

"I love you too."

"C'mon, I'll make you some lunch before you go back to London, how's that sound?"

"Sounds good," he answers with a soft sigh. "But… just another couple minutes?"

"Of course, Lou." She presses another kiss to his head and Louis closes his eyes.

 _It's time_ , he says to himself. _It's time to be okay._

 

**May 3rd, 2014 - 9:42pm**

Louis is proud of himself for a lot of things he's accomplished in his three years at uni, but he's definitely not proud of spending his last day getting rip-roaring drunk and avoiding Nick at all costs.

He's been avoiding Nick for about a week now, ever since he broke his own rule and spent the night at Nick's flat and actually stayed and had breakfast with him the next morning. Any other time he's stayed over he's managed to wake up and sneak out before Nick wakes up, and that's how he had always planned it to be.

Nick's called him no less than ten times today and every single time Louis has sent it to voicemail before the third ring. He just can't face Nick - he can't.

He can't handle the look in Nick's eyes that tells him there's so much more to their situation than Louis is ready to admit. Even if he didn't mean to, Nick was giving him that look all through breakfast that morning and it's quite possibly the worst thing he's ever done. It's what Louis has been dreading ever since he and Nick hooked up back in December, but he'd let himself fall into that hole anyway because, against his better judgment, he really likes Nick.

Which is obviously why he's spent the last hour doing shot after shot of whiskey with fifteen or so of his fellow classmates. Every time he drinks another one, the alcohol burns his throat just as much as the words he's dying to say to Nick do every time he sees him. Still, he'd rather take what will surely be a horrific hangover tomorrow rather than risk having to open up and talk about his true feelings. Because, in Louis' opinion, feelings are stupid.

Unfortunately, this all goes out the window when Nick shows up at the party.

"I've been trying to call you for hours! Where have you been?" he snaps, frowning at Louis as he drunkenly stumbles towards him.

"I've been drinking," Louis slurs, his words dissolving into giggles. "And… here. And you're here now, too!"

"Fuck, Louis." Nick sighs heavily. "You don't care at all, do you?"

Louis frowns. "You should be drinking. Why aren't you drinking?"

"I don't want-- Louis!" Nick shouts after him as Louis stumbles on his way into the kitchen. "Louis, stop."

"I'm making you a drink!" Louis says as he shoves a cup into Nick's hands and tries to pour alcohol into it, although he misses and ends up pouring most of it onto Nick's wrist.

"Dammit, Louis!" Nick shouts as he tosses the cup aside. "I'm trying to have an actual conversation with you, for once!"

"Well, that's stupid." Louis snickers.

"Yeah," Nick sighs, "guess it is."

Nick's shoulders slump and he shakes his head, giving Louis what's quite possibly the saddest look he's ever seen. Louis blinks several times, trying to clear his eyes in the hopes that when he looks at Nick again he'll be smiling instead.

"Stop that," he mumbles as he reaches out to touch Nick's face, frowning when Nick bats his hands away.

"You stop it," Nick replies. "You've been avoiding me for a week and now you're... " He sighs. "Y'know what? I don't care. You do whatever it is you do, Louis, I'm leaving."

"What?" Louis blinks again as Nick leaves the kitchen, far too drunk to understand what's actually going on here. "Nick!"

While Sober Louis was adamant about not ever seeing Nick again, Drunk Louis is extremely put off by Nick leaving. He follows Nick out of the kitchen and towards the door, somehow managing not to fall over even as he consistently trips over everything in his path, continuing to shout Nick's name as he goes.

"What do you want from me?!" Nick shouts, rounding on Louis once they're both outside. Louis immediately stops in his tracks and stares at Nick, taken aback by his outburst.

"I…" he gulps as his vision blurs and he sways a little, "I wanted you to have a drink."

Nick laughs, a heartbreakingly hollow sound. "I don't want to have a drink, Louis. I wanted to talk to my _boyfriend_ who's been avoiding me."

"Who's your boyfriend?" Louis snaps, his drunk brain unable to put two and two together until it's too late.

"You," Nick answers dejectedly. "You, you idiot."

"No, m'not." Louis shakes his head. "We're not boyfriends, no. I'd know if we were boyfriends."

"We're not?"

"Absolutely not!" Louis scoffs.

"Why not?" Nick demands. "Because from where I'm standing, I'm pretty sure that sleeping with just one person on a regular basis counts as being in a relationship."

"Well…" Louis starts, but he has nothing to follow. No train of thought to back up his reasoning as to why he and Nick aren't boyfriends. So instead, he finishes with: "No."

"No?" Nick gives a watery laugh, avoiding Louis' eyes as he asks, "does that mean you've been sleeping with other people?"

"What? No!"

"Then what does it mean, Louis?" Nick shouts. "Tell me!"

"I don't know!" Louis shouts back. "I don't know what you want me to say, Nick! I don't know why you'd even want me, I never said I wanted to be your boyfriend!"

"Yeah, well, that much is clear now, isn't it?" Nick sniffs loudly and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. "Just… go back inside, Louis. I'll leave and you can go back to drinking yourself into oblivion."

Nick turns to leave and the sight fills Louis with such rage that he does the first thing that pops into his head, which is to pull his left shoe off and hurl it at Nick's back.

"What the…" Nick whips back around and glares at Louis. "Seriously?!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck _you_!" Nick shouts. "You threw your shoe at me!"

In a stunning display of maturity, Louis pulls his right shoe off and throws it as Nick as well.

"Stop that!"

"Stop walking away from me!"

"Why?!" Nick demands. "You just said you don't want to be with me, why would you think I'd want to stick around?"

"Because I like you, you idiot!" Louis yells, stomping his foot as he does so. Nick stares at him for a long while and Louis holds his ground until his mind catches up with what he said and suddenly he's feeling a lot more sober than before.

"What?" Nick asks as he takes a hesitant step towards Louis.

"I said…" Louis takes a deep breath. "I like you, okay? Now would you stop fucking walking away?"

"I don't… I'm just…" Nick shakes his head. "I'm confused. Didn't you just say you didn't want to be my boyfriend?"

"No, I said I never said I wanted to be." Louis huffs. "Didn't I?"

"I don't know. You're not making sense, Louis."

"Neither are you!" Louis crosses his arms. "All you're doing is yelling at me and then leaving and it's making my head hurt."

"Let me see if I can get this straight," Nick says calmly as he takes a deep breath. "You like me, you don't want me to leave, but you _don't_ want to be my boyfriend?"

"Yes. Wait, no." Louis groans. "I'm too drunk for this."

"Which is it?"

"I don't know, alright? I like you. I like having sex with you. I just… I don't know if I can be your boyfriend."

"Why not?"

"Because," Louis says, fidgeting a little as he avoids Nick's eyes on him. "I don't want to fuck things up. The last time I got serious with someone…" He quickly shakes his head. "I don't want a repeat of that, alright?"

"Jesus, Lou." Nick sighs. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because I didn't want you to know!" Louis says, once again letting his mouth speak before his brain can catch up.

"Obviously," Nick mutters as Louis groans loudly.

"I don't like talking about it, okay? Can't we just go back to having sex and not talking about it?"

"M'afraid not," Nick replies as he shakes his head.

"Why not?"

"Because I like you too, you idiot."

"Great." Louis huffs loudly. "Just had to go and ruin a good thing, didn't you?"

" _I_ ruined it?"

"Yeah, you did! With your stupid face and your hands and…" Louis trails off as his eyes wander down Nick's body and suddenly his mouth goes dry. "Other things."

"You really are an idiot, aren't you?" Nick mutters as he steps closer to Louis and tugs his arms away from his chest. Louis frowns but slumps forward and presses his head against Nick's chest as he slips his arms around Nick's torso.

"Takes one to know one," he mumbles, fighting a smile as he listens to Nick's laugh echo in his chest. Nick wraps his arms around Louis and holds him tightly as he slowly presses a kiss to the top of Louis' head.

"Do you wanna be my boyfriend?" he asks quietly. Louis waits a few minutes before he tilts his head up so he can look at Nick properly.

"Maybe. Do you wanna be mine?"

"Yeah," Nick says with a laugh. "I really do."

"Okay," Louis replies as he tilts his head back down and tucks his face against Nick's neck. "My feet are cold," he mumbles.

"Shouldn't have thrown your shoes at me."

"You were leaving."

Nick chuckles again and holds him tighter. Louis closes his eyes and concentrates on Nick's breathing and the beating of his heart. _It's going to be okay_ , he tells himself.

"Someday," Nick says after several minutes of silence, "you are going to tell me why you avoided me like that."

"Someday," Louis echoes.

 

**May 18th, 2019 - 6:26pm**

Louis has been standing outside the front door to his and Nick's flat for about ten minutes now, trying to work up the courage to use his key. He grips it tightly in the hopes that his hand will stop shaking soon and he closes his eyes as he repeats a calming mantra to himself over and over. He strives to remember all the advice his mum gave him before she sent him off, as well as what Harry told him when he'd called on his drive back to London.

That is, after Harry spent a good twenty minutes scolding Louis for abandoning Nick in the middle of the night.

"You shouldn't have done that, Lou! You should've stayed and talked it out and just bloody told him, for chrissakes."

"Yeah, Haz, I know that _now_." Louis huffed. "I wasn't ready then, but I am now, I promise."

"Yeah, well, you'd better be. I dunno what you're going home to, to be honest."

"Why?" Louis demanded. "What do you know?"

Louis winces at the memory, just a few hours before. Part of him is terrified that Nick's already gone, that he's too late and he's lost Nick forever. Another part of him wishes that he were drunk so he wouldn't have to feel as many things as he is right now. But most of all, he just wants things to get better.

"Here goes," he mumbles as he slips the key into the lock and twists, releasing a deep breath as he pushes the door open.

Nick crosses into his sight the moment he steps inside and freezes, giving Louis the perfect opportunity to look down and see Nick's suitcase sitting right by the door. It's unsettling but not unexpected, but Louis can't stop his voice from breaking as he speaks.

"You're leaving?"

"Don't," Nick says, snapping back into action as he heads into the bedroom, immediately turning back around to add, "you're the one who left first."

"Not forever," Louis calls as he comes inside and shuts the door behind him. Since Nick is still out of the room he takes the opportunity to give his suitcase a swift kick. It feels like the right thing to do until pain shoots through his foot and he grimaces. "I'm back and I want to talk."

"Now you want to talk?" Nick says as he comes storming back into the room. "That's funny because last night it seemed like talking was the absolute last thing you wanted to do."

"I wasn't ready," Louis starts, but Nick hardly seems like he's listening. "Nick, look at me."

"No, Louis. I gave you so many chances to tell me what was wrong and you pushed me away every single time. Now it's my turn."

"Nick, you don't mean that. Nick!" He tries to grab Nick's arm as he passes but it's no use. Nick pulls himself away from Louis and grabs his suitcase, almost heading out the door when Louis shouts, "I was at a fucking cemetery!"

Nick stops. "What?"

"I was at a cemetery," Louis repeats in a defeated voice. "That's where I was. That's where I go, every year, on May 18th."

"Why?" Nick asks with his hand on the door, his back turned to Louis.

"Because…" Louis takes a deep breath. "That's where my son is buried."

Nick shuts the door and stays silent for a moment. He sets down his suitcase and slowly turns around, his gaze on the floor instead of making eye contact with Louis. Just saying those words have taken an enormous weight off Louis' shoulders but it won't mean a thing if Nick doesn't understand.

"Didn't expect that," he murmurs as he runs a hand through his hair. "Didn't even know you had a son."

"I didn't, technically." Louis takes a breath but it's shaky. He's spent so many years avoiding the subject but now it feels like it's all about to come tumbling out and he's still not sure if he's ready. "He was stillborn and the mother…" Louis takes another breath. "There were complications, I'm still not really sure--"

"Louis, you don't have to--"

"No, I do." Louis sniffs and angrily rubs at his eyes. "You deserve to know why I'm so fucked up."

"Okay," Nick replies softly, waiting for Louis to continue whenever he's ready.

"It was an accident, y'know, like most teen pregnancies. Her parents didn't want her to have it and my mum just wanted what was best for both of us, but I wanted it. We were only sixteen when she found out, but I wanted it so badly. Growing up with so many little sisters, all I wanted was a family.

"I was going to propose after the baby was born, I was willing to do whatever it took to make our family work. Quit school, get a job, whatever. I was going to be the best father a kid could have."

"Louis," Nick whispers cautiously, wary of how Louis has started to cry even as he keeps talking.

"She had less than a month til the due date, and everything was perfect. Then one day she just started bleeding and…" Louis' voice catches and he takes a shaky breath. "I think the doctor told me, afterwards, that she'd had an embolism, or something? Everything happened so fast, it's all a bit of a blur.

"He was perfect in every way, but he'd never even had a chance. My mum said it wasn't a good idea for me to see him, that it wouldn't help me, but I couldn't let them take him away without getting to say goodbye." Louis chokes back a sob and Nick finally steps away from the door and pulls Louis into his arms.

"Jesus, Lou," he murmurs as he kisses the top of his head. "It's alright."

"I'm sorry," Louis cries, "I should've told you, I should've--"

"Shh, it's okay. You had to be ready, I understand."

Louis laughs a little and sniffles. "Remember that night at uni, when we got together?"

"You mean the night you threw your shoes at me?" Nick chuckles. "Yeah, I remember."

"I wanted to tell you then." Louis clings to Nick a little harder. "Just didn't know how. I liked you so much, but I was so afraid of something happening to you if I got too close."

"Louis," Nick takes his face in his hands and kisses him, "it wasn't your fault. It was nobody's fault, alright? Life can be absolutely fucking awful sometimes and it's absolutely nobody's fault."

"I love you," Louis whispers.

"I love you too," Nick says as he kisses Louis again. "God, I love you so much."

Nick takes Louis into their bedroom and they curl up in bed, arms wrapped tightly around each other and legs tangled together. Louis cries a bit more with his face tucked against Nick's chest and Nick lets him, murmuring soft and soothing words as he presses kiss after kiss to Louis' hair.

"M'sorry," Louis croaks, "got your shirt all wet."

"Don't care," Nick says with a smile as he leans down and kisses the tear tracks on Louis' cheeks. "You've had a bit of a night, haven't you?"

"A bit." Louis laughs weakly.

"I didn't know you wanted a family that badly, Lou."

Louis ducks his head and fidgets with the hem of Nick's shirt. "Would've had to tell you the whole story, wouldn't I?"

"M'glad you did."

"Are you?"

"Of course, you numpty. Now, instead of you ditching me every year, I can go with you to the cemetery and you can cry all over my shirt."

"Nick--"

"And I'll hold you and cuddle you and give you kisses, and I'll always be around to tell you that I love you and it wasn't your fault."

" _Nick_."

" _Louis_."

"I love you." Louis tilts his head up and looks at Nick with wide eyes. "I love you so, so much."

"I love you too." Nick looks down and takes Louis' hand in his own, tangling their fingers together. "Maybe, someday, we could have our own family."

"You hate kids."

"I hate _other people's_ kids." Nick chuckles. "Ours would be different, you see, because they'd have the best dad in the world."

"Yeah?" Louis' voice goes a bit shaky and the look in his eyes is so piercing Nick's heart feels weak.

"Yeah. Maybe I'll get you a ring, make an honest man out of you."

"You're an idiot," Louis says, laughing a little as he tucks his head in the crook of Nick's neck.

"You love me." Nick kisses the top of his head. "And I'm being serious."

"I know," Louis murmurs as he squeezes Nick tightly.

 

**Epilogue - June 1st, 2021**

"What time is it?"

"No later than when you asked twenty seconds ago, babe." Nick tugs Louis down onto the couch in the middle of the waiting room. "Relax."

"I'm excited, shut up." Louis wiggles in Nick's arms but doesn't pull away. "You're excited too, don't act like you aren't."

"Of course I'm excited," Nick laughs. "But you fidgeting isn't going to make them show up any faster."

"I'm not fidgeting," Louis lies as he picks at the hole in the knee of Nick's jeans. Nick swats at his hand and then laces their fingers together, smiling as he admires the gold band on Louis' left ring finger.

"Two years in the making," Nick murmurs as he rests his chin on Louis' shoulder and kisses his cheek. "We waited all that time, what's another couple minutes?"

"Absolute agony, that's what."

Nick laughs. "Hey, c'mon. Gimme a kiss."

"Do I have to?" Nick pouts and Louis turns his head to grin at him before he leans in for a kiss.

"I dunno why I love you," Nick murmurs against Louis' lips.

"I dunno either." Louis kisses him again. "You should probably get your head checked."

"So romantic. What's next, prostate exams for our anniversary?"

"Nick!" Louis groans as Nick snickers, burying his head against Louis' shoulders. "Shouldn't air our dirty laundry in public, y'know."

"That's rich, coming from the one who's tried to get off in public several times--" Louis covers his mouth and Nick laughs as he pulls Louis' hand away and kisses him.

"Love you," Nick murmurs.

"Love you too."

The door at the far end of the waiting room opens and both Nick and Louis immediately turn to see who's coming through. Their adoption case worker smiles at them as she holds the door open so their two-year-old daughter can walk through on her own. Her face immediately lights up when she sees them and she takes off, coming towards them at a run.

Louis is first to meet her and wraps her up in a hug, spinning her around just to hear her giggle.

"Hi, Daddy," she says as she puts her hands on his cheeks and kisses his nose.

"Hi, baby," Louis replies, smiling so wide it's entirely possible his face is going to get stuck that way. Nick wraps his arms around both of them and gives their new daughter a kiss, and then one to Louis as well.

"C'mon, let's take her home."

**Author's Note:**

> the 'minor character death' tag refers to Louis' ex-girlfriend who died during childbirth, as well as their would-be son who was a stillborn. THIS IS IN NO WAY A REFLECTION ON FREDDIE OR BRIANNA, I DO NOT WISH ILL ON EITHER OF THEM AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
> 
> [my tumblr](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


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